


Brain Damage

by Velichorr



Category: Joker (2019)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Child Abuse, Flashbacks, Gen, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:20:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26207089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Velichorr/pseuds/Velichorr
Summary: A look into Arthur's fragmented memories. Who knows what's real and what isn't?
Kudos: 4





	Brain Damage

Arthur’s memory was not the most reliable thing in the world. It was patchy, incomplete, with gaps he could never fill no matter how hard he tried. His first memory was of living in a small, filthy, apartment with his mother. The furniture was cheap and battered, and the kitchen sink overflowed with dirty dishes. Arthur’s mother sat him in front of the TV, then disappeared into the bedroom with one of her boyfriends and shut the door behind them.

Arthur didn’t complain. He never did. He was such a well-behaved boy, everyone said so. He loved watching TV, especially the sitcoms. In those days, TV sets were tiny and black-and-white, but Arthur didn’t care. He imagined he was part of one of the families on TV. That he lived in a nice house in a nice neighborhood. That he had a mother and father and big brother and even a dog. Arthur didn’t have a father. He wasn’t dead, and he hadn’t left, he just didn’t have one. Mom never talked about him.

He imagined what it would be like to have a father. Someone who played catch with him, helped him with his homework, and taught him to ride a bike. Someone who smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said “Good job, son. I’m proud of you.” But Arthur didn’t have a father, and he was okay with that. He didn’t have to call Mom’s boyfriends Dad or Daddy, and most of them didn’t stick around long anyway. Some were nice, but some of them were really mean. Arthur had to be extra careful around them.

The boyfriends left as quickly as they arrived. Arthur couldn’t even remember most of their names. They were all a hazy blur to him. But he would always have Mom, and that was all that mattered. As long as they had each other, everything would be all right.

One day- Arthur couldn’t remember how old he was- he woke up in the hospital. He couldn’t remember how he got there. Everything was white. The floor, the walls, the bedsheet…It was so white it hurt his eyes. There was a bandage around his head, and bruises all over his body. His whole body hurt, and he had the worst headache ever. It was a dull, aching, throb. It hurt so much he couldn’t think. He closed his eyes and went back to sleep.

“Do you know why you’re here? Do you remember what happened?” A distant, echoing, voice called Arthur back to the surface.

A doctor in a white coat stood next to his bed. He stared at Arthur with a concerned look. Waiting for him to say something.

Arthur swallowed hard. “I…No, I don’t remember. I’m sorry.” He stared down at the floor in shame.

The doctor gave him a warm, paternal, smile. “That’s all right. You may never remember. I’m afraid you suffered a very serious head injury.” He sighed and wrung his hands. “Look, Arthur, this is very hard to hear, and I don’t want to upset you…But your mother allowed her boyfriend to seriously injure you and herself. It’s not safe for her to take care of you anymore. That’s why, as soon as you’re better, you’ll be released into foster care.”

Arthur’s eyes widened. He just stared at the man in disbelief. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing, couldn’t make sense of it. “Mom would never do that! She’d never let anyone hurt me!” he shouted, bursting into tears. “You’re lying!”

The doctor shook his head. “I’m very sorry, Arthur. But it’s for the best. You’ll be with other children, and someone else will take care of you…”

But he didn’t want some stranger to take care of him. He wanted Mom. The doctor left soon after, leaving Arthur alone to process this. Nothing made sense anymore. His cheeks were blotchy and wet from crying. He sat there in bed, alone and hurting and wanting his mother.

Arthur bounced from foster home to foster home. Some of the foster parents were nice, others liked to shout and drink and argue. Sometimes Arthur had to wear hand-me-down clothes that didn’t fit. Sometimes he went to bed hungry because there wasn’t enough food for each child. He got beat up a lot, by boys much bigger and tougher than he was. His laughter made him an easy target.

“What’s so fuckin’ funny, huh? What the fuck are you laughing at, you little shit?”  
  
Arthur tried to fight back, but it was no use. They always overpowered him. He was left lying there on the floor or on the ground, bruised and bloodied, with tears in his eyes. _What_ am _I laughing at?_ He thought distantly. He didn’t even know. He couldn’t help it, couldn’t control it…It just came out of him. Who laughed at nothing? Maybe he was just fucking stupid, and that was why.

And then, finally, Arthur grew up. He was beyond the world of playground taunts and bullies who beat him senseless. Oh sure, people still called him names. They still treated him like shit. But they were a little smarter about it now. They only did it when they thought he wasn’t listening- but he was. He didn’t even care anymore. There was nothing he could do to change it. It was just the way things were. When he was sixteen, he was reunited with his mother. She had finally been deemed fit for custody again.

Arthur was in shock when he first saw her. _This_ was his mother? She was so thin, and her drab clothes hung on her. She looked so much older than he remembered. Had she really aged that much since he’d last seen her?

“Hi, Mom.” He said very quietly, giving her a gentle hug. He was almost afraid of hurting her.

Mom smiled at him. She was so tired. He could see it in her eyes. “Hello, Arthur. It’s so good to see you again…I missed you so much.” She took both his hands. “Well, we’re together again. And no one will ever separate us.”

“No.” Arthur agreed, smiling back.

He remembered how he felt when he was a little boy. Like nothing and no one could hurt him as long as they were together. Maybe now things would go back to the way they were. Arthur liked the thought of that.

Arthur managed to graduate high school. But he didn’t go to college. They were too poor, and what was the point of someone like him going to college anyway? He drifted from job to job. He managed to make enough money to support himself and his mother- barely. They were scraping by. He was the breadwinner now that Mom was old, and too sick to work anymore.

At one point, he had to stay in the hospital for a while. Not a regular hospital, but Arkham State, a psychiatric hospital. A nuthouse. A loony bin. It was _awful._ Arthur hated it so much. With every fiber of his being. He was so sluggish from all the drugs they gave him. He couldn’t think clearly. It felt like time and people were moving in slow motion. They put him in a padded cell, so he couldn’t hurt himself. He clawed at the walls, threw himself at them, but nothing happened. He couldn’t damage them, no matter how hard he tried. Then, he just collapsed into a corner, laughing at nothing. What else _could_ he do?

Then he was released, and life went on as usual. Everything was good as long as he remembered to take his pills.

Mom had worked for Thomas Wayne many years ago. She was always talking about what a good man he was. That he cared so much about peoples’ problems. One day, she told him that Thomas Wayne was his father. At first, he didn't believe her. But the more Arthur thought about it, the more it made sense. Thomas Wayne was a wealthy, powerful man, but he had seen _something_ in his mother. It was impossible for them to be together, because they came from different worlds, but he still loved her. Even if for a very short time. The proof was right there, written on the old photograph: _I love your smile._

Arthur felt almost giddy. He had a father now. And a brother, Bruce. It was nothing all like those happy families he’d seen on TV years ago. But it was still a family. Then he actually met Thomas Wayne, and the fantasy was shattered.

_“Look, pal, I’m not your father. What’s wrong with you?” Wayne asked, chuckling indulgently. He dried his hands with a paper towel._

_“Look at us. I think you_ are _.” Arthur pointed out. How could he not see the resemblance? It was undeniable._

_Wayne smirked. He said, matter-of-factly: “Well, that’s impossible. Because you’re adopted, and I never slept with your mother. What do you want from me, money?”_

He said she was crazy. What a load of shit. Then Arthur started laughing, because he had finally found his real father, and he wouldn’t fucking acknowledge him. Because that’s how the world was. It was shitty, fucked-up, and unfair. And what did Thomas Wayne do? He punched Arthur in the nose.

That night, Arthur got a call from one of those two GCPD detectives. He ignored it. The man’s voice was faint, and sounded like it was coming from underwater. Instead, Arthur opened the refrigerator. He began removing food, pulling out trays. Then, he climbed inside and shut himself in. It was cold and dark inside. Silent, too, except for the machine’s occasional hum. He was isolated. Shut away from the world. His muscles ached. His mind was like a snowy TV screen. He could feel the prickle of gooseflesh on his skin.

He felt _removed_ from the awful day he’d had. Like it was hundreds of years ago, or it had happened to someone else. Maybe now he would actually be able to get some sleep.  
  


It was all over now. The rioting, the destruction, all of it. It was so beautiful. And he had created it. It was his accomplishment. His greatest accomplishment. Arthur felt so proud of himself. It was over now, but the damage had been done. People’s eyes had been opened. Now they knew how corrupt and rotten the world was. The rich got to live like kings, with their gated mansions, fine clothes, and private security. Then there was him, and all the people like him. The poor, the downtrodden, the mentally-ill, were left to fall through the cracks.

As for Arthur, he was back at Arkham State, until if or when he was deemed fit to stand trial. That was all right by him. It wasn’t so bad, really. The nurses and orderlies were terrified of him, even if they tried not to show it.

He talked to a psychiatrist three times a week. He sat handcuffed to the table, dressed in white scrubs. He couldn’t stop laughing. It sounded almost… _Sad._

“What’s so funny?” The psychiatrist asked him, calm and professional as always.

“It was…It was just a joke.” Arthur managed to get out. The laugh had become a high-pitched giggle. Like he had just seen something hilarious.

“You want to tell it to me?”

Arthur sat there, holding his cigarette between two fingers. “You wouldn’t get it.” He whispered.

Then he was walking down the tile hallway, leaving a trail of bloody footprints behind him. His shoes squeaked as he walked. They were slick with blood. Arthur began walking slowly to the windows at the end of the hall. He wasn’t in any hurry.

He began to dance. His movements were slow and awkward, but he didn’t care. He was warmed by the sunlight, surrounded by it. Arthur smiled to himself. He would have to spend the rest of his life in a psychiatric hospital, but so what? In the end, he had won. They could take him away and lock him up, but they couldn’t destroy him. They couldn’t destroy his movement. Other people would carry on his work for him.

In the distance, Arthur could hear orderlies shouting, running after him. He couldn’t linger. He took off down a corridor, his feet barely touching the floor as he ran. He felt free. They could do whatever they wanted to him, but it didn’t really matter. They couldn’t kill an idea. This was something beyond him now. People _did_ know he existed. He existed, and he had created something much bigger and greater than himself. And in the end, that was all that mattered.

**Author's Note:**

> This was my attempt at getting inside Arthur's head. I'm not sure if I succeeded, but I tried my best! I haven't seen the movie since it came out, so I apologize if I got anything wrong. All movie dialogue is not mine and belongs to its respective owners.


End file.
